When you believe more in what you don’t see than in what you do see; then what you do see you won’t see and what you don’t see you will see.
- Michael Beckwith
My mother had requested for us to ‘sing her over’ when she transitioned from this life to the next, and when she died a few years ago from complications of lung cancer, some of my brothers and my wife and I were around her bed singing ‘Amazing Grace’ when she took her final breath. We all hugged and cried, and these were the first tears I had ever seen from some of my brothers. The moment was peaceful and silent as we were together in a loving space in the moments after Mom’s transition, and the connection I felt in those moments with my family and with my mother was tender and genuine.
My Mother’s gift was to drive to the heart of the problems or issues in any given situation, and she had a talent for correctly identifying problems in people or situations with a certain intuitive accuracy that was often scary to those around her. In addition, when she got going, she often lacked empathy and could be harsh and insensitive to other’s feelings when she was angry or caught in her zeal to get to the truth. This quality didn’t always endear her to others often and when she passed, she had unresolved issues with many people.
Growing up, I frequently saw an angry, scary mom and had trouble seeing through her intense emotions to the core of love, truth and real connection that was always her deepest intention. Through my adult years as I learned to recognize and release my own fears and issues with my mother, I learned to see through her emotional dysfunction to the core truth of love in my mother that I didn’t see when I was younger, and I became able to become less reactive to her anger and to develop a much closer and loving connection with her as I grew older.
A few years ago I was with Mom in the emergency room when she got the news that her lung cancer had returned for the second time. In that moment, she knew that her days were limited on this earth and she looked at me with fear in her eyes and said to me, “Steve, I know that you and I are straight and that I don’t need to say this to you, but I do take accountability for how I have screwed up many relationships in my life, and I’m sorry for my actions and my part in creating the problems in our relationship in the past.” Typically, my mom didn’t apologize for anything and this was only the third time I remember her ever apologizing for anything during her life.
I learned how to stay in relationship with my mom without becoming a doormat and without fighting with her all the time. Simply put it takes being honest about my own issues without taking her emotions personally. It takes avoiding both fight and flight and finding the third option by simply holding my center and realizing her emotions are not my fault and that I am not to blame for her anger or sadness. It is allowing her to have her emotions and allowing me to have mine. When I can do this, then we always got along just fine and I was no longer subject to the changes in her volatile emotions. Holding my center no matter what emotions or praise or criticism anyone projects towards me is what I do in my best moments with my loved ones and in counseling every day that creates a profound space of unconditional love that is beautiful and deeply satisfying.
When you are caught in the fears of you ego, everything you perceive will be a reflection of that fear, and when you free your mind from these same ego fears, then you will begin to see the reflection of unconditional love that is at the heart of every human being. When you learn to look past your own ego fears and see through the illusion of the ego mask others around you are wearing, then you being to see heaven in the relationships with your family and friends and associates.
Heaven is not a place or a time; rather it is a state of mind where you see through the illusion of your ego fears to understand and perceive the essential connection and oneness of all life in a unified whole. This is not some pie in the sky or useless philosophy; rather, this kind of thinking is eminently practical and empowers you to have relationships in your life that work.
To practice this way of life, work on shifting your beliefs and fears and perceptual thought system rather than focusing on trying to fix or change other people or situations in your life. Instead of going into fight or flight, learn to hold your center and move synergistically with the people and events around you and you will find a whole new level of power, clarity and effectiveness in your life.
Most people spend their entire lives trying to fix what’s on the screen, which is just the effect, instead of changing the projector and what’s in it, which is the mind and whatever thought system it adheres to.
- Gary Renard
Whenever you are triggered or upset by any situation or by another person’s words, actions or choices, learn to first self-reflect and unplug from your fears before you respond to the situation from the fears of your ego. If you want to learn more about this process, click on the link below to read more about the Self-reflection process.